


We Don't Go There

by hayvocado



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Badlands, Demon!Dean, Drug Abuse, F/M, Halsey - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Like Seriously A Lot Of Angst, Songfic, This Is Gonna Hurt You And I'm Sorry, deanmon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-01 17:48:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5215007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hayvocado/pseuds/hayvocado
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before you knew him, you were yourself. </p><p>When you were with him, you were who he needed you to be.</p><p>When he was gone, you were the ghost of who he left behind. </p><p>When you find him, you don't know who you are, but you're with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Outline

**Author's Note:**

> [This Chapter = Spoilers!!!]

This is basically just going to be a summary of the different chapters and which song they'll be going with. Keep in mind that I changed some of the lyrics around, some songs I chose not to use, as well as the fact that the chapters are based off of my interpretation. 

Inspired by Badlands (Deluxe Version) - Halsey. (I excluded New Americana, Hurricane, Roman Holiday, Ghost, Colors pt. II, and I Walk The Line)

Chapter 1 - Coming Down: Reader and Dean are together, and Reader craves every moment. 

Chapter 2 - Drive: Reader and Dean have somewhat of a tradition when it comes to Baby. 

Chapter 3 - Control: Dean becomes a Demon and has to fight with himself and decide what he wants to be. 

Chapter 4 - Haunting: Ever since Dean left, Reader has been going insane; they've been hallucinating and harming themself.

Chapter 5 - Gasoline: Reader goes on a self destructive rampage in their need to find something to fill the void Dean left behind.

Chapter 6 - Colors: Dean finds Reader again and decides that they should be like him. 

Chapter 7 - Hold Me Down: Dean brings Reader into a world of soullessness and painlessness and fiery bliss. 

Chapter 8 - Strange Love: Once Reader is a demon, they no longer crave Dean in the same way, but it's better this way. 

Chapter 9 - Castle: Dean and Reader decide that hell should be theirs alone, and they begin the take over. 

Chapter 10 - Young God: Dean and Reader rule over hell, and it might as well be heaven for them. 


	2. Coming Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Dean are together, and reader craves every moment.

_I found God_

_I_ _found him in a lover_

_When his hair falls in his face_

_And his hands so cold they shake_

____________________

He would charm you. When he was covered in a layer of his own sweat and the blood of monsters, he was a carving of magnificence. His constant smell of whiskey, leather, earth and metal would always be a comfort. The smattering of freckles across his nose and cheekbones, as if the stars kissed him and left behind a trail of ethereal dust. The way that sometimes after a hunt, one where a monster would attack his mind, you’d have to hold him as he trembled. He would forget where he was, but you would be there every time.

____________________

_I found the Devil_

_I found him in a lover_

_In his lips like tangerines_

_And his color coded speak_

____________________

He would yell at you. Sometimes he would get so angry that he’d smash your things. Words tumbled from mouth, vicious and venomous, making you shrink back into yourself, attempting to dodge those bullet-like words. He would be vulgar and terrifying and livid. He would stand over you, his broad body seeming impossibly larger, casting a shadow over you. He would sometimes raise his voice so much that it would make your cabinets rattle, though the wooden doors’ shaking was no match for the rattling of your breath and your bones. He would forget who he was, but you would be there every time.

____________________

_Now we’re lost somewhere in outer space_

_In a hotel room where demons play_

_They run around beneath our feet_

_We roll around beneath these sheets_

____________________

He would hold you. You would find a motel near the bunker, just outside of Lawrence, and you would meet. A small room, at ten, and you would always arrive first, but you paid the clock no mind. When he arrived, you would duck around the words you wished you could speak. With his lips on your neck and your hands in his hair, you felt your heart beating for him. You wished he would just let himself love you. You couldn’t help but wish he would say it, but you push down the thoughts and fall into bed with him. You would dance with those demons another day. He wasn’t yours, but you would be there every time.

______________________

_I’ve got a lover I love like religion_

_I’m such a fool for sacrifice_

_It’s coming down._

_I’ve got a lover and I’m unforgiven_

_I’m such a fool to pay this price_

_It’s coming down._

______________________

You would give anything for him. You put all of your faith into him, giving him all of you. Your mind, your body, even your soul if he were to have asked. Even as the world crashed around you, your life crumbling, you wanted him. Hell opened up, Lucifer was released, and all you knew was dead and gone. You were running. No matter how much you knew he didn’t love you, you couldn’t help but search for him. He wasn’t yours, but you would want him every time.

______________________

_I found a martyr_

_He told me that I never_

_With his educated eyes_

_And his head between my thighs_

______________________

He would die for you. He risked his life so many times just to keep you alive. He believed in you, and he would die for what he believed in. His hands would push you out of the way of demons rushing towards you, away from an onslaught of bullets. He never cared that he could easily be killed trying to save you, he just did it as if it were second nature. He would always look at you afterwards, as if he’d actually lost you, so much pain and fear and knowingness in his eyes that it scared you sometimes. You would endanger yourself, but he would be there every time.

______________________

_I found a savior_

_I don’t think he remembers_

_‘Cause he’s off to pay his crimes_

_And he’s got no time for mine_

______________________

He would shelter you. Even if he had not had the bunker for you to stay, any place with him was close enough to being a home for you. You had come to him, soaked with the tears of the sky and chilled from the wind. You were shaking violently, and your lips and fingers were turning blue. He hadn’t said a word, just wrapped his arms around you and told you that you would be okay, that he was right here. You would lose yourself, but he would be there every time.

______________________

_Every single night pray the sun will rise_

_Every single time make a compromise_

______________________

You would crave him. Every time you closed your eyes without him near you, all you could do was wait for the next day to come, for it to pass, and for another to come, up until you could see him again. He was your world, and he made up and took up all of you. If you were with him, you were only there. If you were away from him, you wished that you could be there again. You no longer experienced time, just days with or without him. He would be gone, but you would always be there.

______________________

_It’s coming down. He’s coming down._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was good for my first work?? Let me know how I did.


	3. Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Dean have somewhat of a tradition when it comes to Baby.

_My hands wrapped around your stick shift_

_Swerving on the 405_

_I can never keep my eyes_

_Off this_

______________________

It was times like these when you saw all of him.

His eyes were half-lidded, and his breathing was even.  The hum of the ’67 Impala beneath you remained a constant reminder that no matter how still you sat, how long you held your breath, you were still moving.  The wide open road before you had no cars on it, and that seemed to make him even calmer.  The lack of clench to his fist around the steering wheel made you smile.

______________________

_My neck, the feeling of your soft lips_

_Illuminated in the light_

_Bouncing off the exit signs_

_I missed_

______________________

Sometimes, he would let you drive Baby.

You felt free, hitting speeds that you wouldn’t dare go in your crappy Corolla.  Whenever you drove, the windows were down, and his hot breath was ghost over the skin of your neck, a hand on your thigh at all times.  You would always shrug him off and laugh, wanting nothing more than to have his hands on you, but you loved to see him in the passenger seat almost as much as watching him drive.  The lights shimmering off of green signs posted around shone onto the planes of his face, carving out his jaw and his cheekbones.

______________________

_All we do is drive_

_All we do is think about the feelings that we hide_

_All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign_

_Sick and full of pride_

_All we do is drive_

______________________

It was a go to stress reliever.

Whenever he was angry, he would take the Impala, and just drive around.  If he was angry with you, you would sit next to him.  He never wanted you to go with him, in fear of him lashing out, but he never said anything.  You would sit with him and contemplate the argument, never talking it over, just turning the radio on low, and staring out the windshield.  No one would apologize, really.  After some time, he would settle his hand on top of yours, and find your eyes through the dark.  All was solved.

______________________

_And California never felt like home to me_

_And California never felt like home_

_Until I had you on the open road_

______________________

You'd always felt at ease at times like that.

He would have one hand on the wheel, the other holding yours, warm and welcoming.  You would roll down your window and let your hair whip around your face.  He never understood why, because you would just complain about your ears hurting later, but he didn’t care, because the way your lips parted and your eyes fell shut and your head fell back would distract him from his inquiries.  You felt at home like that, him with you, you with the road, the road with you both.   

______________________

_Your laugh echoes down the highway_

_Carves into my hollow chest,_

_Spreads over the emptiness_

_It’s bliss_

______________________

It was always best when he’d smile at sunset.

The latest golden rays of sun would reach out, staining the sky shades of red, blue, pink, purple, and yellow.  If you were heading west, which is usually where he drove, the sun would face you, and he would grumble and pull down the visor.  If you were to crack a joke witty enough for him to offer a hearty laugh, he would throw his head back, and close his pretty green eyes.  Crinkles would form around those emerald orbs, and his freckles would bunch.  It was truly the loveliest sight.

______________________

_It’s so simple but we can’t say_

_Overanalyze again_

_Would it really kill you if we kissed?_

______________________

Some moments felt like they could shatter.

Sometimes you would disrupt the silence, you would voice a thought, and the moment of peace would be over, fracturing into millions of angry little pieces.  The world would be quiet, but your mind would scream.  If something didn’t sit right with you, you weren’t just one to accept it.  You would say something, and all of the tension would return to his shoulders and his jaw would set, and you’d know that you had done it again.  You’d wrecked your own home.  You’d just desperately wish to get your home back, to repair the glass your words broke, to make him yours again.  Every time, it would work, but you could always see the cracks, and each silence after would become more deafening.

______________________

_And California never felt like home to me_

_Until I had you on the open road._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos and comments to let me know how I did! I really love feedback <3


	4. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean becomes a Demon and has to fight with himself and decide what he really wants to be.

_They send me away to find them a fortune_

_A chest filled with diamonds and gold_

_The house was awake_

_With shadows and monsters_

_The hallways they echoed and groaned_

______________________

Crowley changed him.  He turned him into a Knight.

He was destined to move into hell and bring affluence to the King of the Pit, himself.  He had to find a source of power, a people to fear him, a people to rule over.  He moved carefully and quickly, familiar with the creatures that he used to fight and kill, that used to try and kill him.  He was meant to fight for the king, to be with the king, but the monstrosities that were lurking knew who he really was, and what he really was.

______________________

_I sat alone in bed ‘til the morning_

_I’m crying “They’re coming for me”_

_And I tried to hold these secrets inside me_

_My mind’s like a deadly disease_

______________________

He didn’t know how much longer he could do it.

He could feel a burning within him, begging him to kill, to tear flesh with his own bare hands.  His body asked for him to destroy life, to be the one to give the one gift that everyone eventually receives.  He wanted to run, to escape, but from whom?  Himself?  He wanted to curl in on himself, abolish himself from the inside out, that is, if the Mark weren’t to beat him to it.

______________________

_I paced around for hours on empty_

_I jumped at the slightest of sounds_

_And I couldn’t stand the person inside me_

_I turned all the mirrors around_

______________________

He wanted to rip the skin from his body.

It all burned with a hotness that he couldn’t fully comprehend.  He found himself going places that he didn’t even know had existed.  It was as if he could look down at his wrecked body, curled into a ball, clawing at the mark on his forearm.  He raked his nails across the raised scar, trying desperately to remove that part of himself.  If he were to ever pass his reflection, he would break again.  He couldn’t face the person—the monster—that he had allowed himself to become.

______________________

_I’m bigger than my body_

_I’m colder than this home_

_I’m meaner than my demons_

_I’m bigger than these bones_

______________________

He could have been more than all of it.

He could be more than what his body begged of him.  He would be greater than the lone desire to murder.  He should have been able to turn off that part of himself, no matter how short of a time he may have managed to succeed.  He could have been worse than that as well, crueler.  He could deny creatures the death they pleaded for so readily.  He could torment them, force them to destroy themselves.  He did not have to kill anymore.  He was more than that.

______________________

_And all the kids cried out_

_“Please stop, you’re scaring me”_

_I can’t help this awful energy_

_God damn right, you should be scared of me_

_Who is in control?_

______________________

He wanted their fear.

He fed off of it, really.  Creatures that could tear apart humans without lifting a finger sat in hell, fearing that they were the next item on the menu.  Someone had to feed the beast resting upon his arm, and the dull burn in his heart.  He couldn’t not inflict some kind of pain, and they all knew it.  They were terrified of the Knight, and he loved every minute of it.  He was in control.

______________________

_I’m well acquainted with villains that live in my bed_

_They beg me to write them so they’ll never die when I’m dead_

_I’ve grown familiar with villains that live in my head_

_They beg me to write them so I’ll never die when I’m dead_

______________________

Before, he had been scared.

He hadn’t wanted to allow the monster within him to control anything.  He wanted to keep his humanity, his morality, his sanity.  But by this point, he had moved past it.  He tortured souls, he tore apart entire existences, moving mountains and ripping apart stars just to satisfy the wound burning hatred into his veins.  It printed him a new genetic code that read destroy.  And destroy, he would.

______________________

_God damn right, you should be scared of me_

_Who is in control?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so i'm a piece of shit for not updating weekly, like i expected, so sorry for that. i hope you liked it!


	5. Haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since Dean left, Reader has been going insane; they've been hallucinating, and harming themself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i feel really bad about not posting for all of december, so here's this too, because i really love you guys

_ I was as pure as a river _

_ But now I think I’m possessed _

_ You put a fever inside me _

_ And I’ve been cold since you left _

_ ____________________ _

Before him you were still wholly you.

When you were with him, you were the mix of you two.  You were who he made you to be, a different mold for the same clay.  He created a fire within you that some would call love, but that you just called  _ Him _ .  After he was gone, you weren’t even that.  You were a cold shell of a person.  You were the remains of who he had once been.  Your eyes were the dull reflection of the laughter he put there.  Your smile wasn’t even really a smile anymore, just a shadow that was never there.  You were broken without him

_ ____________________ _

_ I’ve got a boyfriend now and he’s made of gold _

_ And you’ve got your own mistakes in a bed at home _

_ I’m hoping you could save me now but you break and fold _

_ You’ve got a fire inside but your heart’s so cold _

_ ____________________ _

You found a new fire.

He didn’t shine as bright as Him, he didn’t make you laugh as much, and he didn’t make you hurt for him as much.  He wasn’t  _ Him _ , but he was as good as someone as broken as you would get.  He was perfect, anyone’s dream guy… Just not yours.  Silently, you would pray to anyone listening that _He_ would come back, but you knew that it wouldn’t happen.  He wasn’t him anymore.

He found new matchsticks.

He had a path of bodies trailing from between his sheets to the ground before him.  Every night was a new one—different curves, different blemishes, and different touches.  They would all shiver at his touch, just like you did, but none of them would gasp the way you did, or smile up at him as brightly as you would. 

_ ____________________ _

_ ‘Cause I’ve done some things that I can’t speak _

_ And I’ve tried to wash you away but you just won’t leave _

_ So won’t you take a breath and dive in deep _

_ ‘Cause I came here so you’d come for me _

_ ____________________ _

You ruined a lot of things without him.

Your relationship with your new fire burnt the wick until it was nothing more than a black smudge.  After that, you were taking the hearts and bodies of people left and right.  A one-night stand here, a boyfriend here, a girlfriend there, maybe two or three flings at once.  To everyone around you, you were going insane, but in reality you were finding a fix.  The tangling of limbs and sheets held your fractured heart together, keeping you from hitting self-destruct.

_ ____________________ _

_ I’m begging you to keep haunting _

_ I’m begging you to keep haunting me _

_ I know you’re gonna keep haunting me _

_ ____________________ _

You saw him everywhere.

If you weren’t acutely aware of your sanity slipping away, you would swear to God that you saw him everywhere.  Sometimes a man in a bar would have the broadness of his shoulders, but he would be gone before you could catch the cut of his jaw.  The man at the motel counter would have his sandy brown hair, but as soon as he lifted his head, eyes that weren’t  _ his  _ green would find yours.  A drunk on the street would have his inebriated stagger, but not his sloppy smile.  He was a ghost, dancing through every portion of your life, but you let yourself hallucinate.  If you didn’t imagine it all, you knew that you would surely lose yourself.  False hope fills more space than honest disappointment.

_ ____________________ _

_ We walk as tall as the skyline _

_ And we have roots like the trees _

_ But then your eyes start to wander _

_ ‘Cause they weren’t looking at me _

_ You weren’t looking for me _

_ ____________________ _

You were honest to God losing it.

Your head was in the clouds and in your empty chest and in that motel room eons ago.  Your feet were on the ground, but then it became your hands and knees, and you had to drag your body across the cold tile floor of yet another motel bathroom.  You left your stomach in the toilet and your love in tracks down your cheeks.  Memories began to fade, and, as they say, his voice went first.  You yearned to hear something, even the sound of him yelling would be better than the silence you had to face.  His gaze began to fade as well, and your muddled brain couldn’t figure out if he had been looking at you anymore, or if he was ever even there.  Was he real?  Was he ever anything more than what you thought you wanted?  You weren’t sure if you would ever know.

You let yourself lose yourself, but you wouldn’t lose him.

_ ____________________ _

_ I’m begging you to keep haunting me _

_ I’m begging you to keep haunting _

_ I know you’re gonna keep haunting me _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you don't hate me for this. the next chapter goes into the reader's whole self destruction thingy a bit more, so stick around for that. i hope you liked it! give me feedback pleaseeeee <3


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